Thursday, April 26, 2012

Bad Drivers; A rant and some tips.

I love to drive and it probably should be my profession. It's the one place I can go and have some adequate level of peace but it's also the very place where I exhibit the most rage. No matter where you live, I think it's safe to say you have encountered another driver and thought "what the fuck is wrong with this asshole"(apologies if you think/thought that about my driving). I have discovered that good music, a nice sounding horn, a sunroof, and 2 fingers help control my rage. I'll list a few types of drivers who really grind my gears.

1. The semi-trailer driver who believes his rig is the size of a Ford Focus; This driver tends to maneuver their rig in traffic as though it's a compact car. He fits his 18 wheeled vehicle in the smallest of spaces, works traffic like a maniac, and appears to forget the relative size and weight of his vehicle relative to all of the traffic around him.

2. The sports car asshole; I'm targeting a specific car here, Ford Mustangs. This guy has to place his newly purchased car in the fast lane but purposely drives 5-10 mph below the speed limit. I don't care about your shiny new toy. Use the horsepower under the hood and get up to speed and get that ass over into another lane. If you want to cruise, we have 5 other lanes for that.

3. The "I have to pull out in front of YOU right now driver; This driver cannot seem to wait until you pass and decides to pull out directly in front of you at the slowest speed possible. Never mind that no one is behind you and that there's a country mile between you and the next car. This driver has to go right now and don't you dare blow your horn. Their hands will go up and they'll act like they did nothing wrong.

4. The all of a sudden super-speeder when you are attempting to pass them; This driver has been occupying the fast lane for a while and refuses to get the fuck over. When you change lanes to complete the past, they put their foot to the floor just to keep you behind them. When I do get in front of this particular asshole, I let off the throttle.

5. The tail-gaiter; This driver tail gaits any and everybody on every kind of street and traffic situation you can imagine. You can't get a piece of paper between your bumper and theirs. I love to test their braking systems. You want to ride that close to me? Well then you must want to pay for my car huh?

6. The impatient and forever changing lanes driver; We're in heavy traffic and one lane moves but then stops and then another lane moves. This driver must always be in the current moving lane or they will have a heart attack and burst in their car. They tend to beat on the steering wheel if you refuse to let them over too. Don't ask me how I know that. I just do.

7. Mr. I drive a Chevy Silverado, Dodge Ram, or Ford F-150 but I drive it like it's a Micro Machine; Micro machines were these really small toy cars I had as a kid. They're like the semi trailer asshole but just on a smaller scale. They tail gate, swoop in and out of lanes with recklessness and act like they're auditioning for the Indy 500. I refuse to include Toyota Tundras and Honda Ridgelines. Those are not trucks in my opinion.

8. The I must wait until I am less than a quarter mile from my exit to charge across all lanes of traffic twatwaffle; Vehicle type does not matter here. This person has an 'oh shit' moment and must quickly exit, without signaling of course, in such a short time, they spook the rest of the drivers around them. Get that rust bucket over sooner and pay attention to the road signs.

9. Oh fuck, the cops pulled someone over so I must slam on my brakes so they won't come get me too;
You're comfortably rolling down the interstate at 70 mph and a trooper has another person pulled over and the driver in front of you has to check the efficiency of their braking system. This driver seems to think they're next on the list. Perhaps they are but not in that moment. You have to do something pretty stupid to make that cop come off that pull over to come get you. Throw a bag of cocaine out of the window. If you do, I expect you to speed up and the bag of cocaine will be picked up by another driver.

10. The squeezer/bad parker; This driver has to park entirely too close to you. You practically need the jaws of life just so you can enter your vehicle. Or they have this huge vehicle and they try to fit it into the tiniest of spaces. Your Ford F-350 does not belong in a space fit for a fucking Yaris.

11. All Chevrolet Impala drivers suck. They drive too quickly or too slowly. Yes. Fuck you and your Impala. 

12. When it rains, my driving ability just sucks that much more; They're paranoid and scared little fragile people who lose all sense of operating a vehicle upon a drop of precipitation.

13. Prius Owners; Yes you believe you're helping the environment with your car while sipping your latte and listening to Rosie O'donnell. I'd have no problem with you if you moved your pretentious ass out of the way. They're almost as bad as the Ford Mustang owners. Save the fucking environment in the other 5 lanes.

14. Am I in your blind spot? Yes!; this driver has to remain in your blind spot and no matter what you do, they'll stay in it. Slow down, speed up, fuck an Asian woman with a limp, and they'll still be there.

15. The cell phone user; There's always some fuckwad on the phone(I'm assuming it's an unimportant call) who has to be in the wrong lane with cars swerving around them because they've forgotten the most important task at hand; driving the goddamn car. They cause unbelievable bottle necks simply because they have to talk to their ugly ass friends about their shitty lives. Go to a bar or see a therapist and get the fuck off the road.

I'm sure I'm missing a few really bad offenders. You soccer moms who believe it's in the fucking Constitution that when you transport your little crumb snatchers, you get to drive as slowly as possible will have your own post dedicated to you.

Get a sunroof and a decent sounding horn. Why? You don't want the other driver to not notice your fingers. It really does suck when they turn the corner and you did not get your point across to them. Tighten up and buckle up!

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